The wedding was beautiful: a radiant bride, a beaming groom, a room packed with family and friends. It was my 27th birthday, and I had never felt so alone. When the dancing started—exuberant, joyous, glorious—I wanted to disappear. I hated myself, hated my body, hated my awkwardness. Although I rejoiced for the lucky couple, I hated the fact that I had never been in a relationship, could not talk to men, and had never made it past two dates. As far as I could tell, my life would be this way forever. I would never be loved.
Although the wedding was not on Valentine’s Day, there is something about a day celebrating romance that often hits those same pangs of loneliness and longing. For so many of us, Valentine’s Day sends the message that true love means having someone who adores you and will go to extravagant extremes to win your heart. When you don’t have a partner, or when your partner disappoints you, Valentine’s Day can spread the lie that you are neither lovable nor loved.
Here is the truth: You are worthy of love, just as you are.
I want you to know this deep in your bones. You are loved, foremost by God. But you must also choose to love yourself. This isn’t about vanity or self-centeredness. This is about kindness and self-compassion—letting the message of God’s love sink deeply into your heart.
When you feel lonely, when you feel hurt, you need to be comforted. Choose to show yourself the love and comfort you need.
How to Comfort Yourself
1. Feelings First
Listen to your heart with empathy. It’s OK to feel what you feel and need what you need. Feelings are not good or bad. They are like indicator lights on a dashboard. You experience negative feelings when you have an unmet need. When the need is adequately addressed, the negative feeling will resolve into a positive feeling instead.
Make a big list of your feelings. Write down all the feelings you notice. Most people feel many feelings at the same time, and these constantly shift as your needs shift. According to Dr. Dan Siegal, author of Mindsight, the very act of naming your feelings can decrease their intensity. You are engaging the verbal side of your brain to help make sense of your nonverbal experience. If you’re visual, try drawing your feelings. Pick a different color for each feeling. Use the color to write down the feeling word and then color your page to express that feeling. Choose a new color for each feeling.
If you’re at a loss as to what you’re feeling, check if you’re mad, sad, glad, or scared. These, along with surprise, contempt, and disgust, are the seven basic feelings that are wired into the brain. There are, of course, multitudes of other words to describe the many variations of the human experience, but these seven are a good starting place when you are building your awareness of your feelings.
2. Needs Next
Your feelings point to your needs. For each feeling you’ve identified, listen for the underlying need. Note that this is something you need to receive, NOT something you need to do. What do you need to receive in order for this feeling to be comforted? What does your heart long for?
3. Dig Deeper
Your feelings and needs are unique to you. Your needs are valid, and they grow out of your unique dreams, values, and life experiences. Why is each of these needs important to you? Were there early experiences that shaped you in this way?
4. Finally, Fix
Once you have identified your own feelings and needs, validate them. Once again, it’s OK to feel what you feel and need what you need. In fact, it’s healthy!
No matter what negative feelings you experience, a great part of what we all need is connection to comfort. Once you’ve spent adequate time naming and validating your feelings and needs, you will experience a degree of clarity and a sense of comfort.
Now that you have identified what you need, consider what one small step you can take today to honor each of your needs. Do you need to offer yourself words of reassurance? Do you need to lean close to God and let Him remind you of His love? Do you need to take a concrete step toward making a change? Do you need to take physical steps to comfort yourself?
A Simple Tool
Often, in times of pain, it is grounding to connect to love using both words and imagery, activating both sides of your brain. Several years ago, I put together a personal growth tool called THE NEEDS DECK, which pairs a list of 54 universal human needs with inspirational pictures and Scriptures for meditation. When I feel overwhelmed, I have found it helpful to flip through the cards to identify my needs for the day. My talented friend Becky Jiras has designed a new edition of the cards, which have just been printed and will be available soon. I hope you will find them useful in your journey to know God’s love and to care for yourself more deeply.
The Love in Your Heart
You are made for love. It is natural for you to long for connection. And it is vital for you to cultivate loving relationships. But love does not disappear when others are not around.
You carry God’s love in your heart. You carry the love that others have poured into you throughout your life. And you also have your own wellspring of love, which you can pour out as you please—back to God, out toward others, and certainly toward yourself.
The truth is, you cannot love your neighbor as yourself, until you learn to love yourself, too. You love others best when you are well cared for, inside and out. As you practice listening to your feelings with curiosity and tending to your needs with compassion, you will find yourself less reactive toward others’ rough edges. Instead, you will feel confident that you have the skills to advocate for your needs so that both of you can get your needs met.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend.
Related Posts
Want to learn more? Check out these related posts:
- Let Love In – How Biblical meditation can help God’s love sink more deeply into your heart.
- Four Promises We All Long to Hear – What healthy love looks like.
- Secrets, Shame, and Hope – How to break the power of shame and recognize safe people.
- When You Find the One, Here’s How You’ll Know – How to tell if your partner is right for you.
- 3 Tips to Get You Out of the Doghouse – How to repair a relationship after you’ve messed up.