Our nation has spoken. This November, we have had the highest voter turnout rate in over a century. And the result is clear: we, as a country, are deeply, deeply divided. It’s not a few fringe people who hold the beliefs that, to you, may seem unbelievable and extreme. It’s half. Half of our entire population. Every other person, down to the statistical equivalent of a handful of votes.
This deep division is true within the church as well.
I don’t know much about politics, but I have been trying to learn all I can about marriage. And it doesn’t take an expert to tell you that if our country were a marriage, we’d be in desperate need of some counseling. Here are 7 lessons from the therapy couch to help us to rekindle our love for one another and (if possible) protect our Union from a nasty breakup:
- Recognize the Broken Trust
- Exit the Gridlock
- Postpone Persuasion
- Listen for Feelings, Needs, and Deep Values
- Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Everyone Gets Their Needs Met
- Be an Appropriate Authority
Step 1. Recognize the Broken Trust
Whether your side has “won” or “lost,” you are probably still reeling emotionally. The issues at stake in this election have felt so crucial to survival that many of us feel deeply betrayed by those on the other side. Even more infuriating, you keep seeing people of the other party dismiss real concerns against their own candidate, while readily accusing your favored candidate of terrible behavior despite what feels like minimal evidence.
Believe it or not, this kind of behavior is natural. And it isn’t because the other person is hypocritical, evil, or just plain stupid. People act this way when they have lost all trust.
What Colors Your Perspective?
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman explains that when partners have high trust toward one another, they experience Positive Sentiment Override, giving the other partner the benefit of the doubt and assuming the other partner means the best—even when he or she behaves badly. When couples slip into Negative Sentiment Override, they view each other through a cloud of mistrust. Even actions that might seem positive to others can trigger hurt and suspicion.
Sometimes the trust in a relationship has been so shattered that partners experience real symptoms of trauma—feeling numb, scanning the environment for danger, ruminating on painful memories, avoiding triggers, and experiencing depression and anxiety.
How to Build Trust
According to Dr. John Gottman, trust is built in a marriage when partners are quick to respond to each other’s pain. Rather than dismissing their spouse’s concerns as unimportant or bulldozing over their spouse’s feelings, successful partners are committed to being safe toward each other and responsive to each other’s feelings—especially when those feelings are negative.
In our country today, we need people who are willing to do the hard work of building trust across the aisle. We need people who are willing to take the concerns of the other side seriously and to understand the deep needs behind the negative feelings that are expressed. Only then do we show ourselves to be trustworthy—not just for the good of ourselves and of those who agree with us, but for all people who call this land their home.
Step 2. Exit the Gridlock
Did you know that 67% of all marital conflicts can’t be solved? According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, these conflicts stem from basic differences between two people. Because these differences will never disappear, a couple must learn to maintain a respectful dialogue about these issues in order to make their union last.
How to Spot Gridlock
You can tell that you’re in gridlock around an issue if you’re sure you’re right, and you can’t understand why the other side doesn’t agree with you. Perhaps you, like me, have seen yourself do this in your own marriage from time to time—judging your partner during a disagreement and secretly (or not so secretly) thinking he or she is less intelligent or less spiritual than you to take such a different position. The more gridlocked an issue is, the more entrenched each side gets in its viewpoint. You see your side as the only rational or ethical option. You start quoting Scripture to prove that God is on your side, and you judge the opposing view as clearly of the devil.
Sound familiar?
How to Shift out of Gridlock
1. Come back to your calm center.
The first step to moving out of gridlock is self-care. You must come back to that calm center of yourself where you can admit that you aren’t God and can approach yourself and others with a sense of compassion and curiosity. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Go for a run. Take time to let God’s love fill your heart with a sure sense of well-being.
2. See the other person as your neighbor.
You are loved by God. So is the person with whom you disagree so deeply. Both of you have feelings and needs, and these are all valid. What is not OK is to demand that these needs be met at the expense of someone else.
The other person’s position on this divisive issue is an attempt to respond to a real feeling or need that he or she has. Tolerate the fact that he or she can have a valid viewpoint that is different than yours. Remember that both of you can be right at the same time, and that if you dig deeply enough you will resonate with the other person’s shared humanity.
The paradox of change is that people are most ready to grow and change when they feel most accepted as they already are. It is, after all, God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.
3. Get curious.
Let yourself wonder why the other person feels so strongly about this issue. Ask questions from a position of wanting to learn, rather than a position of defensiveness or superiority. As James 1:19-20 reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Step 3. Postpone Persuasion
Gottman advises that couples postpone persuasion when they talk about an area of disagreement. The first step, instead, is to listen and to listen and to listen until you can repeat back the other person’s position in a way that makes the other person feel fully understood.
When you focus on listening to understand, rather than listening to rebut or to persuade, you increase the sense of safety and respect between you and the person who disagrees with you. This helps your bodies to relax and your hearts to become open to collaboration.
Step 4. Listen for Feelings, Needs, and Deep Values
Dr. Dan Wile, founder of Collaborative Couple Therapy, explains that when partners lash out in verbal attack or withdraw defensively from one another, these are always “fallback” positions because they didn’t have the words or the skills to identify and communicate their needs in a way that would invoke empathy and compassion from their partner. If they had the skills, they would much rather behave in a way that would invite their partner to be on their side. Wile’s influential model of couple therapy focuses on helping couples learn how to identify and confide their vulnerable feelings and needs to one another and to recruit each other as confidants rather than adversaries.
When we approach someone with differing political views, it helps to view their abrasive remarks as a “fallback” strategy and to remember that in their heart of hearts they are longing to be understood and to have loving people (like you!) on their team.
How to Take a Conversation Deeper
1. Name Feelings
Listen for the feelings behind their off-putting behavior or arguments. Help put these feelings into words. Research has shown that the act of naming a feeling actually helps the feeling to calm down.
2. Identify Underlying Needs
Feelings point to needs. Ask about the needs behind these feelings. Ask how the issue affects them personally. Focus especially on the things the person wants, not just the things the person doesn’t want.
3. Explore Values and Personal History
Ask about the values behind these needs. Why are these needs so important to the person? Where does that come from? How does it relate to his or her past experiences? Can you empathize with why these values are important and unique to him or her?
4. Summarize and Validate
Validate what you’ve heard. Tell the person what makes sense to you about what he or she has shared. Ask if there’s more, and listen until the person feels satisfied that you truly understand.
Step 5. Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman has studied thousands of couples across decades, and he’s able to predict future divorce with over 90% accuracy after observing a 15-minute conflict conversation between newlyweds. Based on his research, Gottman has identified four behaviors that are so toxic that they spell doom for a marriage relationship. These are what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:
- Criticism – Attacking the other person’s character.
- Defensiveness – Refuting the other person’s claims.
- Contempt – Viewing the other person as inferior.
- Stonewalling – Blocking out the other person by becoming non-responsive.
What to Do Instead
1. Lead with vulnerability.
Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown explains that vulnerability is a prerequisite to connection. Dr. Dan Wile agrees, explaining that behind the many feelings one experiences in a conflict, there usually are some vulnerable feelings that would naturally invite compassion and understanding from the other party.
2. Use “I” statements.
Instead of complaining about the other person or the other side, use “I” statements to explain your feelings, needs, and longings. For example, “I feel _ about _ and what I need is _.”
3. Focus on the “future positive.”
Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage and founder of Relational Life Therapy, advises couples to focus on the “future positive” (what you want to happen in the future) rather than the “past negative” (the ways the other person has failed in the past).
Clearly communicating concrete things you want and need can give the other person a sense of efficacy—they know what to do to make a difference in the future. This focus on the positive also protects you from inadvertently straying into criticism.
Step 6. Everyone Gets Their Needs Met
When both of you feel heard, it’s time to problem solve. Make sure the other person knows that you’re committed to both of you getting your needs met. There won’t be a perfect solution; but, when both parties feel treated with respect, there will be a way to get these needs met, good enough. This might take time and an ongoing dialogue. It definitely will take creativity and grace.
Gottman’s longitudinal research shows that husbands in relationships with a win-lose “zero sum game” mindset actually die significantly earlier than those in other relationships. Believing that you can only win if your partner loses and that you lose if your partner wins is so stressful that it can take years off your life!
Instead of viewing politics from a win-lose perspective, go for a win-win. Embrace the idea of abundance. Remember again how much God loves not only you but also the person who differs from you. When you seek God’s kingdom, He will make a way for all of these real needs to be addressed.
Step 7. Be an Appropriate Authority
Not everyone in this country is at a place right now to do this kind of work. Many have experienced such trauma at the hands of others in our nation that they’re still in raw pain. The good news is that a safe relationship with a trustworthy person is one of the most powerful ingredients for healing trauma. Trauma expert Dr. Kate Hudgins calls this transformative role the Appropriate Authority.
What Creates Trauma?
According to Dr. Hudgins, there are three roles present whenever a trauma occurs:
- The Victim – the one who got hurt
- The Perpetrator – the one who did the hurting
- The Abandoning Authority – the one who could have stopped it, but didn’t
How to Be a Safe Person
In order to be a healing presence for someone who is traumatized, it is important for you to exercise your role as an Appropriate Authority. An Appropriate Authority responds appropriately to each of the parties involved in a traumatic act.
1. Refuse to abandon the person in pain.
Like the religious leaders in the Parable of the Good Samaritan, it is all too easy to walk away and turn a blind eye to other people’s problems. In contrast, God calls us to show up and prove ourselves to be a true neighbor to those in need.
2. Comfort the victim.
Dr. Stephen Porges, originator of the Polyvagal Theory, explains that what physiologically calms the flight-flight-freeze response to danger is a sense of connection to a safe person. When you listen with empathy, validate the experiences of the person in pain, and offer connection, you help the person who has been hurt to feel comforted, both emotionally and physically.
3. Set limits on the perpetrator.
An Appropriate Authority names inappropriate and hurtful behavior for what it is and takes action to protect the victim from further harm. At the same time, an Appropriate Authority stays appropriate—not falling for the temptation to shame the perpetrator or to attack back in response to the terrible act that has been committed.
4. Recognize our shared humanity.
The truth is, according to Dr. Hudgins, the roles of Victim, Perpetrator, and Abandoning Authority are not just roles that we experience on the outside, but also roles all of us internalize on the inside when we’ve encountered trauma. All of us have a temptation to perpetrate toward ourselves or others when we feel hurt. And all of us also have a temptation to escape or numb out from our pain. Dr. Hudgins calls these three internal roles the Trauma Triangle.
Your job and my job as an Appropriate Authority is to be able to tend gently and firmly to the Victim, Perpetrator, and Abandoning Authority within each of us and to do the same with compassion toward others. We don’t view people as black or white, good or bad. We recognize instead that these three roles always show up inside us simultaneously. Thus, we comfort and protect those who identify as victims—and we do not allow them to act out their pain in violence toward themselves or others. We stop those who act like perpetrators—and at the same time provide the opportunity for them to heal their own pain appropriately instead of acting out their anger. We encourage abandoning authorities to stop running away from problems—and create the safety needed for them to face their own trauma.
To All Who Have Been Traumatized by 2020
It’s been an extremely difficult year. If you are in pain, please remember to be kind to yourself. Let yourself receive compassion and grace from your own Appropriate Authority and from the God who loves you.
These tips are meant to provide hope and tools to help our nation reconcile. But safety always comes first. If you don’t have the bandwidth right now to engage with people across party lines, don’t beat yourself up. As Dr. Hudgins likes to say, “No shame, no blame!” When you’re in pain, what’s most important is to connect to love—the love within yourself, the love of those around you, and the God who is love, who transcends us all. Take heart, for love never fails.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend!
Related Posts
If you want to read more about letting in God’s love, check out my post on Biblical Meditation. You can also learn more about healthy love from my post on The Four Promises We All Long to Hear. Interested in marriage tips? Check out the Marriage Fitness Test to find out how healthy your relationship is and how to avoid common traps.