Sometimes it’s a dull sigh: I hate myself. Sometimes it’s a raging scream: I hate you! I can’t stand you! You don’t deserve to live!
If you have ever felt this way before, you are not alone.
Pastors have these thoughts. Teachers have these thoughts. Kids have these thoughts. I’m a Christian therapist, and I have these thoughts, too.
If you’re feeling this way right now, take heart. You are not alone. And you will not feel this way forever. If you’re willing, I’d love to share with you some of the tools I’ve learned over the years that have helped me the most in my own life and in my work with clients as a therapist.
The voice of self-hatred can be powerful and terrifying. But it does not change the unshakeable truth about you: You are worthy of love, my dear.
Safety first
If you are feeling unsafe right now, I urge you to reach out to talk to someone kind. Two great resources are the National Crisis Line (1-800-273-TALK) and the Crisis Text Line, which are both available 24-7. You’ll reach someone who is trained to listen and to help.
Why do I hate myself?
There’s a reason the venomous thoughts keep coming. And it’s not the reason that you think. You don’t hate yourself because you deserve it.
You feel this way because you’re in pain.
There is a part of you that’s hurting. You’re scared. You’re disappointed. You’re overwhelmed and ashamed. Call it what you will, mock it though you may, what you’re experiencing is pain. Real pain.
And it puts you in a state of fight or flight.
I want to share one of the most powerful tools I’ve learned to help me understand my own pain and find relief for my clients. But I also know that thinking about your experience of pain can itself be triggering. So before I share the tool, I’d like to ask you to try a quick exercise with me.
A quick brain boost
This is a bit of a mind trick and may even feel a bit silly. It might not work for you, but many people have found these tips helpful. Take a moment to try each of the following:
- Containing hug: Place your right hand under your left armpit, next to your heart. Cross your left arm over to your right shoulder and squeeze. Take a moment to notice how your body feels when you hold yourself this way.
- V-breaths: Take a deep breath and make a low, deep “V” sound as you let it out (like the sound of a motorcycle). Let it rumble as long as you can. Continue for 10 breaths.
- Shaking: Shake part (or all) of your body vigorously for 1 minute.
- Mental overload: Try doing all these things at the same time. If you can, add any other movement you like: blinking, dancing, sticking out your tongue like a snake, wiggling your nose, squeezing your hands, tapping alternate sides of your body, or anything else that comes to mind.
Thanks for trying something silly with me! Whenever you feel stuck in fight or flight mode, you can use any (or all!) of these body hacks to give your mind a quick mental shift. You can learn more about tools such as these through the work of Peter Levine, Dan Siegal, and many others.
Why this works
You are created as one whole being, body, soul, and spirit. What you do with your body can change the way you feel and think–and vice versa! When you’re deep in fight-or-flight mode, your brain narrows its focus to react to danger. Many parts of the brain shut down, including your prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of your brain that helps you think rationally. These four simple body hacks all work in different ways to calm your brain and body down so that you can access more of your whole self.
Who is my inner hater?
Most people experience the world not from one single perspective, but from many. If you’ve ever had an inner struggle, you know what I mean. For instance, part of me loves ice cream and never wants to pass up a scoop; but another part of me doesn’t want to eat too much sugar and develop diabetes (a risk for me, based on my health history).
In the Bible, the apostle Paul describes his own inner struggle against sin in Romans 7:21-25. Even Jesus experienced inner turmoil when he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, asking the Father to spare Him from the cross but also surrendering Himself to the Father’s will. This ability to hold several desires and perspectives at the same time appears to be part of the human experience.
Therapists have many different models to describe the inner world. In my life, one of the most powerful models I’ve found to understand pain and that of my clients is called the Trauma Triangle. It was developed by one of my therapy mentors, Dr. Kate Hudgins, founder of the Therapeutic Spiral Model, a clinical form of psychodrama for the treatment of trauma.
The Trauma Triangle
The Trauma Triangle is based on the observation that when somebody gets hurt, there are usually three roles involved:
- Victim Role: The one who got hurt
- Perpetrator Role: The one who did the hurting
- Abandoning Authority Role: The one who could have done something to protect the victim, but didn’t
Similarly, when you experience pain on the inside, you cope by experiencing these same three states on the inside, at the same time:
- Victim Role: Part of you hurts
- Perpetrator Role: Part of you wants to attack someone–in this case, yourself, and/or others. This is your fight response.
- Abandoning Authority Role: Part of you wants to run away or numb out from the pain. This is your flight or freeze response.
These three internal states or roles make up the Trauma Triangle. They are the natural fight/flight/freeze response to pain. You do this because, until the pain is comforted, it’s the instinctive way to cope. Notice how much more powerful it feels to say “I hate you!” to yourself than it is to sit in the powerless feelings of hurt and grief.
When you’re in emotional anguish, it’s easy to get stuck inside the Trauma Triangle, with your thoughts bouncing around like a pinball between violent hatred, desperate pain, and the overwhelming urge to ditch it all.
Learning about the Trauma Triangle helped me understand my own extreme thoughts for the first time and to lose my fear of them. I now recognize these voices for what they are: a loud, desperate, emergency response to pain.
How do I stop hating myself?
The way out of the Trauma Triangle is simple but takes practice: You must comfort the pain and help it to heal. This is the role of the Appropriate Authority. You may not know how to treat your pain appropriately yet, because you may not have had that role modeled to you before. The good news is that you can choose to learn this skill. God Himself is the Ultimate Authority, and He will gladly teach you how to appropriately use the authority He has given you.
What does an Appropriate Authority do?
- An Appropriate Authority comforts you when you’re hurting.
- An Appropriate Authority sets limits on hurtful words and behavior.
- An Appropriate Authority stays present and takes care of your needs.
Each time you practice your new role as an Appropriate Authority toward yourself and take time to comfort your pain, the voice of self-hatred will stop ringing in your ears. With your Appropriate Authority on the scene, the sense of emergency is over; and the sirens can finally stop.
How do I comfort my pain?
There are many, many ways to comfort your pain. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
1. Connect to your strengths
In moments of threat and pain, many parts of your brain shut down, and you forget the fullness of who you are. When you intentionally shift your focus to your strengths in times of pain, you help your brain begin the natural process of building neural connections and processing the traumatic events that have hurt you. Dr. Kate Hudgins identifies three categories of strengths.
Personal strengths:
- Remember a favorite activity or interest. What songs do you like? What movies? What do you like to eat? What do you like to do?
- Bring to mind a past experience that you really enjoyed. Choose one that is not related to your trauma. Use your five senses to relive that experience. What did you see? What did you feel? What smells and sounds and tastes did you notice?
- Name personal character strengths that you’ve seen in yourself before. For example, humor, creativity, compassion toward others, courage, gratitude, etc. Speak to yourself from the voice of one of those strengths. What would your empathy say to you, to comfort you?
Interpersonal strengths:
- Name people–real, historical, or fictional–whom you admire.
- Imagine what that person would say to comfort or encourage the part of you that is hurting.
Transpersonal strengths:
- Bring to mind strengths that are beyond all humanity. For example, is there an aspect of nature or the universe that brings you strength? Is there an attribute of God that is particularly meaningful to you?
- Imagine what message that transpersonal strength would say to comfort or encourage you in this challenging time.
2. Name your feelings
The very act of naming your feelings is calming and connecting, because it connects the part of your brain that senses nonverbal experience with the part of your brain that uses language and makes meaning. If you have difficulty coming up with words for your feelings, check to see if you’re sad, mad, or scared. Many of our most common painful feelings fall into these three categories.
3. Listen for your needs
Your feelings point to needs. When your needs are adequately cared for, your negative feelings will naturally resolve into feelings of comfort and relief. Listen to each of the feelings you’ve identified. What is your heart longing for? What are the needs that these feelings reveal? Focus on things you need to receive–not things you need to do. What do you need to receive, in order for this feeling to feel comforted?
Examples of common needs:
- Reassurance
- Sleep
- Protection
- Understanding
- Freedom to be myself
- Acceptance
- Belonging
4. Give yourself some TLC (tender loving care)!
Now that you know a bit more about what you need, what is one thing you can do today to be kind to yourself? Perhaps there is one step you can take to honor one or more of your needs? Or perhaps there is a step you can take to treat your body kindly. Using your five senses, consider what you like to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Is there one small thing you can do to love yourself through one of your senses? A cup of warm tea? A photo of the ocean? The smell of cinnamon? A fuzzy blanket? A favorite song?
5. Reach out to a safe person
When someone else tunes into your feelings and makes you feel understood, your nervous system will naturally calm down. Reach out to several safe people to ask for a chance to talk. Call the National Talk Line (1-800-273-TALK) or text the Crisis Text Line. Also, consider finding a therapist who can help you learn more about strengthening safe relationships with others and with yourself.
The truth about you
You are worthy of love, just as you are. Part of you knows this, deep down, because it is imprinted into your being. Inside each of us, there is a quiet space where we connect to God’s love, experience our own worthiness, and appreciate our connection to all of creation.
The Bible assures us that nothing has the power to separate you from Christ’s love. However, some parts of you may not know this yet. That is the nature of trauma. Memories of intense threat and pain are coded differently in the brain, without full connection with the rest of you. When you take time to comfort the parts of you that are hurting, you build new neural connections and bring the vulnerable parts of yourself into the full love you are meant to receive. This takes time and practice. But I am confident that as you continue to notice the part of you that’s hurting and to take steps toward comforting that part, you will quiet the voice of self-hate and reconnect to the fullness of who you are.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend.
Related posts
Want to read more? Here are some other posts I’ve written about love:
- Let Love In – How to receive God’s love through Biblical meditation
- Secrets, Shame and Hope – How to receive God’s love through safe relationships
- Make Your Emotional Boundaries Strong with the Armor of God – How to block out the lies and let in the truth about you
- Be Yours, Valentine – How to care for your feelings
- Four Promises We All Long to Hear – What healthy love looks like
I’ve also created THE NEEDS DECK as a resource for Christians to identify their needs and receive God’s love.
Disclosure: For your convenience, this post may include links to external resources. Some may be affiliate links, which means I may be paid a small commission if you make a purchase through the link, but it will not affect your overall purchase price.
Brava Joy for making this information clear and accessible for everyone!
Thanks, Sylvia! Very grateful for the chance to learn from your wisdom.