There’s nothing quite like it, the feeling of relief that floods you when you’ve taken the risk of sharing a shameful secret and (instead of the rejection you’ve been bracing for) you’re met with Grace: soaring-on-the-wind Grace, sunshine-on-the-meadows Grace, softer-than-baby-feathers Grace. It feels like rebirth. Like a butterfly coming out of a dark, cramped chrysalis, you discover you have wings.
Shame is a dungeon. It thrives on secrecy and whispers that no one would ever love you if they knew the whole truth. Perhaps you, like me, have lived in that lonely pit for far too long. I’m here to let you know that it’s time to set the captives free!
No matter what you’ve done, no matter what’s been done to you, you are worthy of love. God longs to speak His love into the quiet of your heart. But He also longs to wrap His love around you through the arms of real flesh-and-blood people.
What Causes Shame?
Shame is related to feelings of powerlessness and of being not good enough. Perhaps parts of you have been rejected and shamed by someone else. Perhaps you have done things that you find unacceptable or unforgivable. Perhaps you struggle with behaviors which you cannot stop. Perhaps you’ve experienced powerlessness because of trauma, abuse, abandonment, or neglect. As one of my mentors often says, shame is like a leech. It attaches itself to your pain. But the good news is that this shame is not part of you and does not belong to you!
The Word of God is clear: nothing can separate you from God’s love, not sin, not shame, not even death. He is still in the business of forgiving, healing, and transforming lives. Have hope, dear one. He can give you the strength to come out of the darkness and into His glorious light.
The Way Out of Shame
There is only one way out of shame. It is simple, and it takes courage. You must share your secret with a safe person. According to psychological researcher Brené Brown, the most powerful thing that drives away shame is empathy.
For thirteen years–from the time of my earliest memories until my high school years–I lived in deep shame. I had a secret that I could tell no one. I did a great job of being a “good girl” at school and at church; but inside I believed I was disgusting–to everyone except (perhaps) God.
When I met Joni in high school, she was different from all the other adults I knew because she was honest about her own mistakes and shared hints of the difficulties she had faced in the past. Yet she communicated a deep faith in God’s ability to heal and change people despite (or, more likely, because of) all she had been through. I had a feeling I could tell her anything, and she would not be shocked. Still, it never occurred to me to reveal my shameful secret to her. I would have rather died. I hoped that my secret shame could be healed through my secret prayers, not understanding that connection is the only remedy.
Thanks be to God, He answered my prayers through my mild-mannered pastor, who preached a sermon one Sunday that sounded like fire and brimstone to my ears. In fear of hell itself, I found Joni and racked up the courage to tell her what I had bottled up inside for so long. What I received was grace. And help. And a new, better life than I had ever dreamed I could have. I found out that God’s love is much bigger than I thought. It is intimate and spiritual. But it is also tangible and physical. It has always been and is still meant to be poured out through real human beings. I am deeply grateful for Joni. Her example to me of how to respond to someone’s shame and pain placed me on the path to becoming the therapist I am today.
How to Find a Safe Person
- Here are the traits of a safe person:
- A safe person does not gossip.
- You notice that s/he doesn’t share other people’s secrets with you and that s/he has been faithful to keep lesser secrets that you’ve told her/him in confidence.
- A safe person is authentic and comfortable with weakness.
- You notice that s/he is willing to share about her/his own weaknesses with you and views vulnerability as a strength.
- A safe person is respectful.
- You notice that s/he does not speak judgmentally of others but is humble and appreciates people who are different than her/him.
- A safe person is gracious.
- You notice that s/he is grateful for God’s forgiveness in her/his own life. S/he is not rigid but able to see others as complex, worthy works in progress.
- A safe person is responsible.
- Some secrets must be shared with more people, for the purpose of safety. For example, many people experience suicidal thoughts. If the person you tell is not equipped to protect you by her/himself, s/he must reach out to get you the help you need, even if you don’t want her/him to tell others. A safe person will be direct with you about who s/he tells and why s/he believes it’s necessary.
- Christian therapists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend do a great job explaining more about Safe People in their book of the same name.
- A safe person does not gossip.
- If you recognize one or more safe people in your life, spend time with them and pray for the courage to share your secret with them–soon!
- If you can’t tell if any of your friends or family are safe enough, find a good therapist in your area. If you live near Berkeley, California, you can, of course, reach out to myself or my husband Anthony.
- A therapist who is a good fit for you should make you feel comfortable when you first talk to him/her on the phone.
- What you tell your therapist is protected by law as confidential.
- A therapist is trained to assess for suicide and can take steps to protect you and to walk you through times of crisis.
- In the state of California, therapists are only allowed to break confidentiality in the case of suspected child abuse, suspected elder/dependent adult abuse, grave mental disability, or an imminent threat of suicide or violence to others. Even if your secret falls in one of these areas, the road to health and recovery starts with coming out of the darkness of shame and facing the consequences together with a safe person by your side.
- Ask the therapist if s/he is trained to work with people facing similar issues as yours. A good therapist will refer you to someone else who is better qualified, if s/he doesn’t feel adequately trained in that area. Don’t give up! Sometimes it takes time to find a good match. If God has given you the courage to reach out, He will surely provide whatever help you need for the next step in your journey.
- If you need immediate help, call the national crisis line. Volunteers (screened and trained to be safe people) are available 24-7 to talk to you. I’ve called the line before, when I was in crisis, and found the help I needed. I’ve also volunteered before as a crisis counselor at my local chapter. It’s a great resource when times are tough.
An Inspiring Video
For more encouragement, here’s an inspiring TED Talk by researcher Brené Brown about vulnerability, shame, and courage.
If you’re a reader, one of my favorite books by Dr. Brené Brown is Daring Greatly.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend!
Related Posts
Want to learn more? Check out my posts about how to let God’s love deep into your heart and how to be a safe person for your spouse.