“Whatever you do, don’t marry a tiger!” warned the older woman who sat next to me on BART, explaining that she had the same Chinese zodiac sign as me, a sheep. When she found out my fiance was a horse, she approved. Then she launched into a bitter tirade about her own unlucky marriage.
For centuries, people all over the world have tried to figure out how to find the perfect match and how to avoid ending up with the wrong person. However, as I mentioned in Part 1 of this series on finding true love, research suggests that the key to a happy marriage is less about finding a perfect match and more about being willing to learn the relationship skills to weather life’s storms.
Unlike fairytales and rom-coms, marriage is not the end of the love story. It is only the beginning. God is not pairing you with a savior, but a teammate with whom to begin a harrowing and exhilarating journey of faith and redemption.
This is the second in a 3-part series on finding true love. Here’s what these posts cover:
- Part 1: What does it mean to find the one?
- Learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what fears may stop you from finding the one.
- Part 2: How do you know if you have found the one?
- Learn about the 6 signs of true love as well as the 3 signs of a bad match.
- Part 3: What if you think you’ve married the wrong one?
- Learn why your once-passionate relationship has transformed into a cycle of hurt and get tips on how to turn your relationship around.
How Do You Know If You Have Found the One?
According to relationship experts Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, a marriage must pass through four stages of development in order for love to ripen into maturity. And one of the first challenges a married couple must face is disillusionment–realizing how completely and intractably different you are from one another. Furthermore, marriage researcher John Gottman adds that this disillusionment usually hits right after you take your vows, making the first two years of marriage the most intense period of fighting within a relationship.
In order to make it through the hard years and build a happy marriage together, the right one for you must have the skills to handle conflict successfully. Here are the signs that your partner has what it takes to build a relationship that lasts.
6 Signs of True Love
1. You feel safe and respected.
In a healthy relationship, your partner is willing and able to comfort you when you’re sad, hurt, or scared. Your partner is responsive to your feelings and tries not to hurt you. Instead he or she is quick to repair the relationship when your feelings are hurt. Moreover, your partner strives for a win-win solution, taking into account the needs of both of you.
2. You have no doubts about how your partner feels about you.
A person with a secure attachment style is open and direct. Your partner is not afraid to tell you how much he or she loves you. Your partner doesn’t play mind games or leave you guessing. Instead, it’s easy to connect because your partner values sharing his or her feelings and vulnerabilities.
3. You laugh a lot together.
Humor is one of the most powerful ways to keep fights from escalating. Your partner knows how to read your cues and to keep things playful, even when you disagree.
4. You feel supported in your deepest dreams and values.
Researchers say that 67% of the conflicts between any two people are perpetual issues based on basic differences in values that can never be resolved. In other words, you can never find a partner who is perfectly compatible. Despite your differences, your partner shows respect and curiosity towards your point of view and strives to support you in pursuing your dreams (even if he or she doesn’t fully understand them).
5. You see your partner growing.
Since most of us do not love perfectly, this is perhaps the most important item on the list. Your partner cannot build a healthy relationship with you unless he or she is willing to look at his or her own faults and do the hard work of partnering with God to grow. You can tell your partner is serious about growth after you observe his or her actions over time.
6. You are able to love your partner as he or she is.
The strange paradox of growth is that most people do not feel ready to change until they feel accepted just as they are. You are right for your partner if you are excited to love your partner–warts and all!–and you are willing to patiently provide the kind of love he or she needs in order to grow.
This doesn’t mean that you stop speaking up about your needs or the impact your partner’s negative actions have upon you. But it does mean you are willing to enter into his or her world with empathy and curiosity, to deeply understand your partner’s heart.
Thus, the central challenge in any marriage is for each of you to
- do whatever you can to change for the better
- while you patiently provide the empathy and compassion that your partner needs to grow.
If you’d like a list of concrete things to do with your partner to see if you’re right for each other, you can subscribe below to download my free guide for dating couples.
Warning Signs
Although most people are able to learn the relationship and conflict resolution skills needed for a happy marriage if they are willing to do whatever it takes to grow, there are a few red flags that make it very difficult for you to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
1. You have different conflict styles.
Marriage researcher John Gottman identifies 3 kinds of conflict styles:
- Conflict avoiders prefer to connect with their partners over positives and avoid bringing up negatives.
- Validators bring up conflict areas that are important to them but also let other ones go.
- Volatiles thrive on passionate debate and relish talking through every area of disagreement.
Surprisingly, after following couples for decades, Gottman discovered that all of these styles lead to happy marriages–as long as both partners share the same style and both partners stay in the safe zone during conflicts (keeping a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions).
When conflict styles are a mismatch between partners, it can lead to constant fighting about fighting. The partner who has a lower tolerance for conflict feels badgered and cornered by the other partner’s need to discuss things. Meanwhile, the partner with a higher need for conflict resolution feels constantly dismissed by the partner who can’t tolerate as much disagreement. Marriages with mismatched conflict styles tended to divorce. Gottman found that a mismatch in style was also correlated with domestic violence–especially if the male partner was the one who had a higher desire to bring up areas of discord.
If you notice a significant mismatch between your conflict style and that of your partner, it is definitely a red flag but not necessarily a death knell for your relationship. If you can respectfully honor each other’s different conflict styles and create a working compromise regarding how often to bring up conflicts, you may still be able to build a strong relationship together. In his book Principia Amoris, Gottman mentions at least one couple who was able to do just that and create a stable, happy marriage for the long haul.
2. Your partner is unwilling to seek treatment or grow
When a person has untreated addiction and/or mental health issues, he or she is not ready to be in a relationship. Master therapist Terry Real calls these “misery stabilizers” or emotional escapes that prevent relationships from moving forward. In order for a couple to build a secure connection, both partners must be all-in, ready and willing to face their own emotional needs as well as the needs of their partners.
In contrast, a person who is in active recovery is able to admit the truth about his or her issues. Instead of minimizing or responding defensively, he or she is able to hear your concerns and take them seriously. A partner who is ready for relationship will be open to your input and include you as an appropriate ally in his or her journey, but he or she will take the lead in seeking healing. A partner who is serious about recovery will not rely only upon you but will cultivate additional healthy relationships upon whom he can rely for help when the going gets tough.
3. You notice abusive behaviors
In his book Why Does He Do That? domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft identifies three core disrespectful beliefs that lead to abuse:
- Ownership: You belong to me.
- Entitlement: My needs matter more than yours.
- Control: It’s OK for me to do whatever I must to get you to meet my needs.
At its core, abuse involves disrespect of another’s feelings, needs, and boundaries.
Sometimes partners cross boundaries not out of malice but from a lack of understanding where appropriate boundaries begin and end. These boundary crossings can still make you feel traumatized. A safe person is willing to recognize how his or her behaviors have hurt you and to take active, consistent steps to change. A disrespectful partner will minimize your feelings and not accept responsibility for his or her inappropriate behavior.
Here are some behaviors that are physically abusive:
- physically threatening you
- breaking things
- pushing, shoving
- physically hurting you
In addition, Terry Real identifies the following behaviors as emotionally abusive:
- Yelling
- Name-calling
- Shaming
- Telling you what to think, feel, or do (unless you asked for your partner’s opinion)
- Breaking his or her word
- Lying
- Using exaggeration or dishonesty to manipulate you
The Gut-Check Compatibility Test
Perhaps the single most important indicator of your relationship health is how you feel after a conflict with your partner. In a healthy relationship, the conflict will not be considered resolved until you both feel that your feelings have been taken seriously and your needs have been adequately met. As a result, you will feel that you have a deeper understanding and empathy for your partner’s views and you will feel closer to your partner. Your world expands.
On the other hand, if you leave a conflict not knowing why you fought over something “so little” or if you just wait it out and let it all blow over, the conflict has not been successfully addressed. This leaves both of you feeling more and more scared to bring up the same subject again. Your relationship feels like a minefield, and your world shrinks.
Luckily, relationship skills are just skills. With focused practice, you can learn how to handle conflicts better. Check out my post on the two simple ingredients to help you make your relationship better. You can also sign up below to download my free cheatsheet of 20 Things to Say to Turn a Fight Around.
Perhaps, after reading these posts about healthy relationships, you’re wondering if you’ve married the wrong one. In my next post, I’ll cover what to do when you find yourself falling out of love and some tips on how to turn your relationship around.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend.
Related Posts
Continue to Part 3: What if you think you’ve married the wrong one?
To learn more about healthy relationships, check out my posts on the four promises that help you build a healthy love and the five best marriage books for Christian couples.