Three months after I started dating Anthony, he took me on a hike and led me to a bench overlooking the bay. As the sun began to set, the clouds parted; and I heard a voice from heaven declaring, “This is your perfect match, in whom I am well pleased. Go marry him!”
Just kidding.
What really happened was that Anthony told me that I deserved to know the truth about him before we decided whether to make our relationship “official.” He then bravely shared some of his deepest struggles.
I was shocked. This great Christian guy that I had met in seminary was not who I thought he was. But I also felt honored to be trusted with his confidence. I wondered whether the red flags Anthony disclosed should send me running, or if the act of sharing them spoke to his integrity. I also realized that if I decided to move forward with the relationship, I would need to trust Anthony with my own shameful secrets. I wondered if it would be worth it.
I didn’t want to be a fool, but I also didn’t know where to turn for advice.
After eight years of marriage and countless hours reading about relationship research, I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned as a marriage and family therapist to help you figure out whether the one you’re with is a keeper–red flags, yellow flags, and all.
This is the first post in a three-part series. Here’s what I’ll be covering in this series of posts:
- Part 1: What does it mean to find the one?
- Learn what a healthy relationship looks like and the fears that may keep you from finding the one.
- Part 2: How do you know if you have found the one?
- Learn about the 6 signs of true love as well as the 3 signs of a bad match.
- Part 3: What if you think you’ve married the wrong one?
- Learn why your once-passionate relationship has transformed into a cycle of hurt and get tips on how to turn your relationship around.
What Does It Mean to Find the One?
Love is not just something you feel. It is something you do. Something you practice every day. True love is a skill.
The secret to a happy marriage is how well you develop that skill and whether you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get better. In other words, the secret to a happy marriage is being willing to grow.
This leads to my quick criteria for checking whether you’re in the right relationship.
- When you find the one, he or she will be willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to love you well.
- When you find the one, you will be willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to love him or her well.
- If either of these is missing, you haven’t found the one.
How to love well
If you’re like me, you grew up longing to have a life-long partnership with one special person. You also have seen (or experienced first-hand) the devastating cost of being in an unhealthy relationship.
Deep down, you hope to find someone who will complete you. Couples therapist Harville Hendrix calls this longing your Imago–your inner blueprint of whom you find attractive based on your heart’s yearning to be healed.
You want the kind of love that will finally soothe all the wounds of your past and give you the courage to blossom into the full person you are meant to be.
This kind of love you are longing for ultimately comes from God, but its healing power can be powerfully unleashed through the love of your husband or wife. Psychologists call this kind of healing relationship a secure attachment. It’s linked to emotional and physiological wellness, including longer life, less stress, lower pain, and a stronger immune system.
Dr. Susan Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, describes three main qualities of a secure attachment: marriage partners are accessible, responsive, and engaged. That means that both partners know that they matter to one another and that they can turn to each other at any time to receive the comfort and support they need.
Unfortunately, based on the way we were raised, many of us (if not most) do not know how to attach securely. Instead, we approach the world with one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized (a hard to predict mix of both anxious and avoidant reactions). We carry deep, insecure attitudes about ourselves and our partners, such as:
The good news is that although you come into your adult relationships with a default attachment style, you can actively learn how to form a secure attachment instead. Check out my post about the four promises we all long to hear or read the book How We Love by Pastor Milan Yerkovich and his wife Kay, a Christian therapist. They do a great job explaining attachment styles in relatable terms. The book also teaches couples a simple tool to create a secure attachment.
Fears that stop you from finding the one
If you didn’t grow up with a secure attachment style, you may struggle with fears that get in the way of finding the one.
1. The fear of being alone
Your longing for a life partner and helper is natural and good, something Adam experienced even in the perfection of Eden, something that is innate in us because we are created for relationship. But, sometimes, because of the wounds of your past, you may look to your partner for more than partnership. You may believe deep down that you’re not worthy of love unless another person tells you so.
As a result, you may find yourself time and again in relationships where you do all the work. You’re willing to grow and change, but your partner is reluctant to learn new skills. You may be so desperate for the love of your partner that you don’t realize for a long time that your partner is not ready for the give and take of a mature relationship.
The truth is that you are lovable and worthy, whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. God came into the world to affirm this truth about you, and He wants you to let His love sink deep down into your heart. One easy and tangible way to experience God’s love is by practicing Christian meditation.
2. The fear of getting tied down
It is wise to choose your partner with care, since you want to build a relationship that lasts. However, the wounds of your past may make you particularly scared of choosing the wrong one. You may fall in love quickly when someone seems ideal only to dismiss him or her just as quickly when you discover flaws.
As a child, you may have been expected not to bother others with your problems but to handle it all yourself. Your feelings and needs were dismissed, so you found ways to cope that made you into the capable and independent person you are today.
But relying on yourself is very hard work. As a result, you may feel overwhelmed when you see needs and vulnerabilities in your partner. The thought of taking on more needs is more than you can bear.
Deep down you may be hoping to find someone who has no needs and no flaws, God’s perfect best. The truth is God’s best for you will not be a perfect person. No such person exists (besides Jesus!) But the good news is that God is in the business of redemption. He takes broken, needy people and teaches us how to give each other the love that heals.
You were never meant to carry your burdens alone. Cast them on God and take the risk of asking your partner for help–especially for emotional comfort. When you let your partner know about how tired, stressed, sad, and vulnerable you feel and open yourself up to receiving your partner’s comfort, you’ll be surprised how much more energy you have to do the same in return.
How I Found the One for Me
In case you’re wondering, I did end up marrying Anthony. After the heart to heart talk on our hike, the two of us spent a difficult evening sorting through my mixed feelings. Anthony gave me permission to share openly with my closest friends about him, and I realized how safe he was trying to be for me. I soon took the step of disclosing some of my vulnerable struggles as well. Anthony’s struggles matched my own story in a way that made it easy for me to empathize with what he faced. Over time, his behavior showed that he was committed to transparency and to growth. It was not all always upward progress–both of us made mistakes time and again. But I saw that his commitment to growth was clear.
Marriage has by no means been easy. Like most people, early in my marriage I certainly had days when I wondered if I had chosen the right one. But looking back now after eight years of marriage, I see our steady growth. I see how much better we are at handling our disagreements. Most of all, I feel extremely grateful to have found a partner who is willing to admit his faults, dig deep inside, and learn together better ways of being with one another.
In my next post, I’ll be sharing some more concrete tips for figuring out whether your current partner is the one for you, or whether you should get out quick! If you’re in a serious relationship and wondering whether you are ready for marriage, I’ve also put together a list of things you can do together as a couple to help you make a wise decision. Please subscribe below to download my free guide.
I trust that as you keep seeking, God will teach you more and more about how to give and receive the love you were made for.
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend.
Related Posts
Continue to Part 2: How do you know if you have found the one?
If you’re interested in learning more about love, check out my post about the five best marriage books for Christian couples as well as the two simple things that help you turn around any fight. For married couples, I’ve also put together a marriage fitness test to help you screen out risk factors in your marriage.