What makes marriages work? As a Christian therapist, I started searching for the answer a few years ago, after walking alongside several dear friends who unexpectedly found themselves facing divorce. In response to my own grief and in the hopes of better equipping the church, fellow Christian therapist Esther Wei and I began working together to create a basic guidebook to answer this question. We have been researching this topic deeply, reading works from all the major schools of couples therapy. Here are my picks for the best marriage books to read with your spouse.
Although not all of these books are written by Christians, these books all meet three criteria: (1) their insights about marriage reflect the love described in the Bible, (2) their findings are compatible with contemporary research in relationships, and (3) they are enjoyable to read.
1. Best marriage book to read with your couples’ group at church:
How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Why I love this book:
This book is written by a Christian husband-and-wife team. Milan is a pastor, and Kay is a Christian therapist. How We Love presents the psychological research on attachment theory (i.e. healthy love relationships) in simple terms, explaining why you react to your spouse the way that you do, and how to build a secure love together. Milan and Kay’s best contribution to the field is their detailed insight into how each “love style” interacts with other “love styles.” When my husband Anthony (also a Christian therapist) helps couples to identify their “love styles” and shares the corresponding core fighting pattern from this book with them, his clients usually resonate deeply with the description and have an “aha!” moment of understanding for their spouse.
2. Best book for a deep spiritual vision of your marriage:
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller
Why I love this book:
Rev. Tim Keller has a talent for applying the Word of God to real life. Written with the help of his wife Kathy, this book expands on a popular sermon series by Rev. Keller and draws on the life experience of the Kellers’ own marriage. The Meaning of Marriage is spot-on in its understanding of how most couples experience marriage–from the common doubt of whether you married the right person to the feeling of devastation that comes from the little blows you think you are dishing out during fights. Tim Keller takes all these observations and explains how they fit into God’s glorious vision of what marriage is meant to be.
3. Best marriage book to practice with your spouse:
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
Why I love this book:
Dr. Stan Tatkin is the founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). His book Wired for Love presents a “user manual” for couples to understand each other, based on research in the fields of neuroscience, biology, and attachment theory. Wired for Love is easy to read and very practical, with simple exercises to try with your spouse. You’ll learn how to create a safe relationship, how to calm each other down, how to handle the in-laws, and how to use your marriage to be a source of physical and emotional well being for one another.
4. Best book to help you avoid the pitfalls that cause divorce:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman with Nan Silver
Why I love this book:
Dr. John Gottman is one of the leading marriage researchers in the world. He has followed couples for decades to try to pinpoint the difference between healthy marriages and marriages that end in divorce. In fact, he can predict with over 90% accuracy which newlywed couples will divorce, after observing a 15-minute conflict conversation. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work explains his key research findings and presents a practical guide to creating healthy patterns in your marriage (and avoiding the behaviors that lead to divorce). If seven principles are too many for you, John Gottman and Nan Silver have recently boiled it all down to one principle (trust!) in their new book, What Makes Love Last?
5. Best book for learning how to use the difficulties in your marriage to help you grow:
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Why I love this book:
This decades-old classic is still a powerful read today. Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt are the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy, which has influenced many couples therapists today. In Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Hendrix and Dr. Hunt use psychodynamic theory to explain why we often choose partners that end up hurting us in exactly the ways we never wanted to be hurt again. Getting the Love You Want argues that when you love your partner the particular way s/he needs most to be loved, you are challenged to grow in exactly the ways you yourself need most to grow. The book includes a step-by-step guide to use at home with your spouse to learn how to give each other the kind of love you both most deeply need.
Happy reading!
May you live deeply and love deeply, friend!
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Want to learn more about how to build healthy marriage? Read my post about the four promises that form the basis of a secure love relationship or take The Marriage Fitness Test to see how healthy your marriage is right now.